This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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