I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
