that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
