My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
