I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
