Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
