I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
