His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
