I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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