Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
