My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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