in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's never too late to be topless.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
