Betty ford says i'm here all night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
