can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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