I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
