Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
