true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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