here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
