..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
