Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
