seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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