I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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