Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night