either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I faked an abortion last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(