im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.