i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."