The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor