you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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