Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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