my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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