you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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