hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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