I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
