we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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