Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
