I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
