i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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