On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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