That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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