Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
