youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
