Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is Oprah even human
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
