I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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