3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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