you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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