Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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