I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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