i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
