she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
