did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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