Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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