Yo dont text me then not text me
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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