I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
