Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
