Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
