Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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