why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
