She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
