just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
