I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
